Texas Chili Story

Anything that might not belong on the other message boards!

Moderator: Team Cub

Forum rules
1. Keep it clean.
2. Keep the discussion civil.
3. Name calling is not allowed.

Politics and religion are two topics that tend to degenerate into a violation of one of the three simple rules above.

The mods and the site admin reserve the right to "lock" or "delete" any discussion that in our opinion, is "heading in the wrong direction."

MOST of all, be respectful of your fellow Cubber's opinions. Don't expect to change someones belief system from a simple forum on the internet.

Texas Chili Story

Postby WJ » Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:30 pm

Texas Chili

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ....
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now...get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is starting to look HOT (just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.) Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it...I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

END
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.
User avatar
WJ
10+ Years
10+ Years
 
Posts: 382
Joined: Sun Jun 13, 2004 10:18 am
Location: Weatherford, Ok

Postby Eugene » Sat Nov 05, 2005 12:51 am

That was funny.

Eugene
Eugene
Team Cub Mentor
Team Cub Mentor
 
Posts: 12528
Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2004 9:52 pm
Location: Mo. Linn
Zip Code: 65051
Circle of Safety Award
Circle of Safety: Y

Postby George Willer » Sat Nov 05, 2005 1:15 am

I LOVE good chili! I keep a gallon of Tobasco for emergencies.
George Willer
http://gwill.net

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. Ambrose Bierce
User avatar
George Willer
Cub Pro
Cub Pro
 
Posts: 7011
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2003 9:36 pm
Location: OHIO, Fremont
Zip Code: 43420
Circle of Safety Award
Circle of Safety: Y

Postby Dale51 » Sat Nov 05, 2005 5:44 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
If it's been broken I did it.
If its not broken wait till I touch it.
User avatar
Dale51
10+ Years
10+ Years
 
Posts: 567
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 3:39 pm
Location: Wellsville NY

Postby Rudi » Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:38 am

WJ:

I think I just busted the wires in my chest :!: :? :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks for such a great chuckle... this is good.

Em and I both love chili, and I have actually had some of this fire breathin stuff over the years... unfortunately, I would probably be another judge #3.... my stomach can't handle the real firehouse stuff anymore.

Although there was a time when pizza, a bottle of jalapeno peppers and a bottle of champagne worked real good :!: 8) 8) :lol:
Confusion breeds Discussion which breeds Knowledge which breeds Confidence which breeds Friendship

User avatar
Rudi
Team Cub
Team Cub
 
Posts: 28471
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2003 8:37 pm
Location: NB Dieppe, Canada
Zip Code: E1A7J3
eBay ID: ve9rhs
Skype Name: R.H. "Rudi" Saueracker, SSM
Tractors Owned: 1947 Cub "Granny"
1948 Cub "Ellie-Mae"
1951 Cub "Jethro"
Dad's Putt-Putt
IH 129 CC
Circle of Safety Award
Circle of Safety: Y
Twitter ID: Rudi Saueracker, SSM

Postby DuxburyFarmall » Mon Nov 07, 2005 9:31 am

This was a great read I laughed so hard since I have seen people have the same reaction when they eat the food that I prepare. I love the hot sauce.

Chad
User avatar
DuxburyFarmall
5+ Years
5+ Years
 
Posts: 535
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2005 11:51 am
Location: Massachusetts, Duxbury

Postby beaconlight » Mon Nov 07, 2005 4:57 pm

Sound like the Chili contest in Hilton Head SC Bev and I were at a month ago. Dam I laughed at some of the people there as they reacted to the different ones. This was great.

Bill
Bill

"Life's tough.It's even tougher if you're stupid."
- John Wayne

" We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."
- Aesop
User avatar
beaconlight
Cub Pro
Cub Pro
 
Posts: 7701
Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 2:31 pm
Location: NY Staten Island & Franklin
Zip Code: 10314


Return to Off Topic

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests