10 top tools

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10 top tools

Postby John *.?-!.* cub owner » Thu Dec 08, 2005 8:13 pm

This was forwarded to me in an email, and I thought the readers here would appreciate it.

\


10 Best Car Repair Tools of All Time

/There are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any
place, any time. /

1. *Duct Tape:* Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy to carry package. Sure,
there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in professional competitions,
but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas
rockets and attack-helicopters use it by the yard. The only thing that
can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. *Vice Grips:* Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off
tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool
designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. *Spray Lubricants:* A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated
soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be
removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is
the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at
it cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).

4. *Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids:* If you spend all your time under
the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve
when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter.
Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just
so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of
course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't
connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost
Frendle Pins.

5. *Big Rock at the Side of the Road:* Block up a tire. Smack corroded
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the
noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user being maimed.

6. *Plastic Zip Ties:* After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and
wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up
version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a
hulking mass of amateur-quality wiring from a working model of the
Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract
$100 for each zip tie you find under the hood.

7. *Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver:* Let's admit it. There's
nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or
mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded
with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all oil
filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and
you will just like Dad and your shop teacher said -- who cares, it has a
lifetime guarantee.

8. *Baling Wire:* Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire
holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for NASCAR contenders, since it works so well you'll never
need to replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a
sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the Pinto,
Gremlin, and Rambler set.

9. *Bonking Stick:* This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends
is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you
separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in
a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. *A Quarter and a Phone Booth:* See tip #1 above.
/* If it won't go - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway..../
"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government
to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the
government lest it come to dominate our lives and interests." Patrick Henry
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Re: 10 top tools

Postby Lurker Carl » Sat Dec 10, 2005 7:26 pm

John *.?-!.* cub owner wrote:10. *A Quarter and a Phone Booth


This has got to be an old list. If phone booths still exist, you'll need a stack of quarters to make the call.
"Chance favors the prepared mind."
- Louis Pasteur

"In character, in manners, in style, in all things, the supreme excellence is simplicity."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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