Southern Rules

[Arizona Mike]

The Southern Rules

If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the
rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a
Southern State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than
you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the
way.

3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,
don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big
lumps of it - they're called "clods."

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you whipped - by our women.

6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for - bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers,
and wear your hair long, go right ahead, but if we call you ma'am,
don't be offended.

9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up
to your ear at the time.

10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a
lot of water.

13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet,and served
over ice.

14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks
a year.

15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we
go to high school football games on Friday nights, we
still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends
and neighbors.

18. We don't do "hurry up" well.

19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
boil them with either salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two.
Pick one.

22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them? Then
you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage
before daylight down at the church on either day.

24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's
called being friendly. Understand the concept?

25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you
hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks,
and they're not baseball players.

26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you
over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no
matter how young he is.

27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It
drips from them. You park your Navigator under them,
and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get
beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state
legislature - all four of them - enacted a measure to stop this.
There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

Now, enjoy your visit - I emphasize "visit."

[Rudi]

Mike:

Aside from the Diamond Backs, the Gators and the Grits, sounds like home Course, we got Black Bears, Moose and lobsters...

[RedNed]

That's great Mike.You forgot one thing. The hospitality of the southern people will make a Yankee never to forget. As a soldier in the Army Thirty some odd years ago.In a small town of Cedartown, Georgia.Just a stone thow away from a welcome sign to Alabama from George Wallace A fellow soldier took me home for the Holidays.I went to a Baptist church,I meet all these nice people.They treated me wonderful.(I did notice that every house I went to had a shotgun at the front door?) I really think they liked my accent.They ask me where was I from?I said just North of here a little bit. All kidding aside, I still eat grits and Blackeye peas...